making things
on using up art supplies and feeling disappointment
"PLEASE DO WASTE ART MATERIALS. USE PAPER. EMPTY PAINT JARS. DEPLETE PENS. IF IT'S TEACHING YOU STUFF IT'S NOT BEING WASTED." DANNY GREGORY
All week I have had the desire to work with my hands and push around some real paint on real paper (I tend to use a lot of digital paint).
As soon as I made the time to do so I noticed all my old doubts resurfacing: What if I waste the materials? What if the paints run together and make a mud puddle? (They did). Why isn't my skill level the same as my vision? (Ugh!) This last thought had me comparing myself to artists I admire and wondering why I had not dedicated my life to the singular pursuit of becoming a painter.
I didn't choose that path because while I do love making images as an artist, I find also find great meaning and satisfaction in being a coach.
Right now making art feels extremely desirable and also regularly disappointing, and disappointment is a feeling I often try to avoid.
But I've felt curious about it lately…like how could I expand my edges and just be with both desire and disappointment? Could I accept that holding this paradox is actually a way to move forward?
Instead of giving up on my art, I have decided to dedicate some time to practicing drawing (hello daily drawing practice) and learning more about the skill of mixing colors.
Instead of beating myself up about having multiple passions, I decided to trust myself and believe that both art making and coaching are complimentary parts of my essential, unfolding, evolving self. Both are what I have to offer.
How do you hold the paradox of desire and disappointment in your life?
This week I heard this very wise podcast episode by a quilting artist, Zak Foster with a bunch of artists, including my friend Rachel sharing about how they handle disappointment and it is really worth a listen, even if you are not an artist.
Onwards,
Anna Marie
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